Louis Vuitton handbags in Cairns

There are many good things about being a salt-water crocodile at Cairns Crocodile Farm in Queensland. Freshly killed and plucked chicken arrives promptly and regularly. You'll never get cancer or infections, because crocodiles don't. If you're a lady crocodile then you might wonder why the eggs you tucked up in their nice little nest under some reeds never hatched out into that family of 17 you'd been hoping for -but in any case you would only have looked after them for a few weeks, since crocs are a bit low on parenting skills. If you were a crocodile daddy, you'd just have eaten any of your offspring that you ran across - before they got big enough to have a go at eating you. 

However, the not-so-good thing about this seemingly idyllic reptile existence is that the purpose of the daily  uncooked KFC picnics is to encourage you to grow as quickly as possible - until you reach  optimum handbag, belt and shoe-leather size.     Which is a little larger than the adolescents in the photo above, clambering grumpily over each other's backs. Each one uniquely was patterned and coloured, intricate and beautiful in the golden Australian afternoon sun. Most of them are little boy crocodiles because when three farm workers come along to rob Mama Croc's  nest (two blokes with big sticks in case Mama comes back early from the shops, and one with a special box to put the eggs. They must be placed  in exactly the same position as they'd been in the nest- because if the eggs are shifted around they won't hatch.) The farm workers incubate the eggs at a slightly higher temperature that produces more boy babies. Boys grow into handbags faster-  which is another good reason to be female, I'm thinking.

There are two crocodile farms in northern Australia. This one was set up as a Government development project for the indigenous people of the area but management skills were lacking and private enterprise stepped in. (Or such is the current owners' version of events). The farm is the main world supplier of crocodile skin to Louis Vuitton and similar people who sell posh things in duty-free shopping centres. LV etc get the best bits of croc but the tour guide said that some dodgy bits go to Singapore now, presumably to the LV knockoff folk.

 The farm has plenty of big old beasts like this one, who is of my generation. I should've asked him if he liked Iggy, Bowie, the Stranglers...he looks just like Sid Vicious anyway. The fence separating us from them seemed quite flimsy compared to the size of this guy. He's just biding his time...


The farm also have 2 American alligators which some bozo attempted to smuggle INTO Australia. So that's 2 "pets" that didn't end up in the urban myth New York sewer system, but instead are now part of a research project where they lie around pretending to be logs. According to the Australians, THEIR crocs are by far the most aggressive and will have a go at you just because you're in the way, not because they're hungry or even cross. (Sounds quite Australian Saturday Night). 

I took a cruise boat around the mangroves which are  fantastically all mimsy and jabberwockial. We were supposed to spot wildlife but mostly just saw egrets poking at fish. There were a couple of small wild crocodiles and one large ripple aka swimming crocodile. The trouble is that crocodiles look exactly like mangrove roots, murky seawater waves and mud, while mangrove roots etc look quite a lot like crocodiles if you are feeling nervous. If not on the deck of a large motor cruiser I would feel a tad uneasy, what with the taipans and other lethal beasties lurking amongst the ecologically essential and scientifically fascinating but unfortunately rather dull-looking,absolutely  identical  Different Varieties of Mangrove (according to the commentary).


They said that stray crocodiles in people's back gardens are quite a problem and that this happens because sometimes after bad weather crocs get disorientated. If I had a large aggressive reptile hanging out in my backyard I would feel more than a little disorientated myself. They also said that the beasts are relocated, sometimes to the croc farm. They did not explain how this is accomplished, especially if the reptile in question is aware that only 2 of his/her brethren have ever left the farm alive. One is in a zoo in South America and the other is in a rainforest display on the top floor of the Cairns Casino, which seems highly appropriate. Other crocodiles are to be found in steaks on the plates of casino restaurant diners. 


When I got on the boat, I was quite tempted by a crocodile skin belt which I thought would look nice holding up the pants of my beloved. However, once I had met so many of the somnolent but most assuredly  living relatives of that belt, I felt that the hide looks best covered in slime and lounging on a creek bank. Sorry, honey, I'll get you something else. 

OW doth the little crocodile

Improve his shining tail,

And pour the waters of the (Cairns estuary) Nile

On every golden scale!

 

How cheerfully he seems to grin!

How neatly spread his claws,

And welcomes little fishes in

With gently smiling jaws!